I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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