I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize