We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
