Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize