oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
