Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
