I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Randomize
