he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
