I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
