well I can't set my house on fire every night
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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