there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I'm just crazy horny about you
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
