i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I deserve this hangover.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
