Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
