Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
