Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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