and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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