oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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