I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
