Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
