Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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