No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
