So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
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