with your own penis?
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize