when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
