Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
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