why do cheetos always look like penises
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Randomize
