Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
