Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
