Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
