not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
God I need to hump something, right now.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
