WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Randomize
