Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
