im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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