I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize