I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
