I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
