I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
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