If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
