i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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