the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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