My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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