I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
