he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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