my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
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