Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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