So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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