i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
