My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
