My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
