If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
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