I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
