Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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