Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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