It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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