this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
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