I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Randomize
